Questions and Answers

Two Questions:
What does depression mean? And why write about it?

Some Anwsers:
I can give you a textbook definition of depression, but in truth I have no idea what other people have experienced, I can only try and deal with my own feelings and experiences. Some of which I will write about here.

Writing about it is a way of acknowledging it. Like an alcoholic must. That might sound odd, but let me try to explain.

You invest a lot of energy - everyone does - in attempting to be normal, to be whole. Watch yourself and you'll see what I mean.

When you talk to old friends, or go to an interview for a job, you create a story about you. You gloss over certain events in your past - the engagement that ended badly, or how you dropped out of college after three months. I think everyone is aware of that.

But we do it most of the time. Especially when it's something negative, something that doesn't quite fit. When people ask "How are you?", do you give an honest answer?

I didn't.

I felt I couldn't say, I feel awful. I hate myself today.

Because a lot of the time, that's how I felt. But feeling that way isn't something we admit, to ourselves or to others. People don't know how to fix it, or explain it. It's a weakness.

On the application form for my scholarship, there was a box beside "Mental Stability". Was I honest? Did I say, well, sometimes I don't know if I can get up in the morning?

I didn't.

Writing it here is as close as I can get to acknowledging it.